The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

Arguably one of the most important elements of parenting is modeling and teaching empathy, which is the focus of the final chapter. Siegel and Bryson argue that the brain is a social organ, designed to interact with other brains. They explain the discovery and function of mirror neurons—the neurons that fire in response to seeing an action that a person has performed before or understands in some way. 

Mirror neurons were discovered in brain scans performed on monkeys in the 1990s. When a monkey ate a peanut, neurons fired, but surprisingly, when the monkey saw a person eat a peanut, the same neurons fired. The belief surrounding mirror neurons is that they help people empathize with others, in part by sharing emotional and physical experiences. Recalling neuroplasticity, Siegel and Bryson point out that when a meaningful experience is shared, the brain is permanently altered, creating more groundwork for interpersonal connection.

The existence and function of these mirror neurons suggest that attachments and experiences of relationships in early life literally provide the foundation for expectations of interpersonal relationships later on. Siegel and Bryson describe a healthy attachment between parent and infant, then contrast it with an infant who must disconnect from neglectful parents to survive. They offer examples of caregiver/child relationships that teach positive or negative relationship models, arguing that early caregiver relationships have a lasting generational impact as a result.

In training the mind to create healthy connections and relationships, it is valuable to identify in both parent and child reactive versus receptive states. Generally, connection is difficult, or even impossible, when either party is in a reactive state. However, they point out that receptivity is not necessarily always positive either—sometimes craving connection can lead a child (or an adult) to engage in less-than-healthy relationships because they begin to lose sense of their individual identity. The authors stress that integration between community and self is just as important as left and right brain integration.

To build and encourage receptivity and connection in children, one strategy is to lead with play. Fun produces dopamine in the brain and creates positive associations with parents, siblings, and other community members. Making space for games and silliness in day-to-day life helps children become more receptive. Using fun and silliness in moments of anger or sadness can also improve connection. 

Another strategy is to teach children healthy conflict resolution. The first step is to encourage seeing things from another’s perspective by asking questions in moments of conflict. Trying to understand why someone did something is a good step towards automatic empathy.